The Cost of Not Living
We hear a lot about the cost of living, but what about the cost of not living?It’s a phrase that has stuck with me, especially after a friend used it as a campaign slogan during whale season. He takes people out to swim with these gentle giants, and it got me thinking about how relevant this is to our lives today.
The cost of not living is reflected in how we live vicariously through others — whether through our phone screens, watching people live their lives. At the same time, neglecting the things that bring us joy in our own. Screens subtly erode our ability to be present or even hold a conversation without the urge to scroll or become distracted (unless of course, that distraction is a puppy, then go and ask for a pat!) But the here and now is the only place we can ever truly be. So, let’s be here (with the puppies!)
Switch off the news and stop worrying about everyone else. I’m not saying this to be selfish, but think about it: if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have nothing left to give. It’s like trying to pour from an empty cup. We need to fill our own cups so we can give back to the people or communities who matter most to us.
I know, I know — “But the world is going to hell,” or “Have you seen all the doom news lately?” No, I haven’t. Because I blocked news from my socials over ten years ago, and I don’t watch TV. That doesn’t make me ignorant. What I need to know, I research — I’m not stupid.
What I talk and write about comes from my own lived experiences. I don’t preach other people’s ideas and opinions. I’ll stand by them, have deep conversations with them, and listen wholeheartedly to their stories. Stories are just words, strung together by someone. It’s important we tell our own stories, not the narratives of other people we don’t even know. Sometimes, I use their stories to educate others. I reach out to friends who are in the thick of it when things in the world seem crazy to get a point of view that I can’t personally reach. Yet another reason to get out of your bubble — so you have trusted people to reach out to. Travel, spend quality time with people from different countries and backgrounds. Hang out with people from minority groups or those with different abilities. Their stories might open your eyes to perspectives you never knew existed.
Historically, humans lived in small, close-knit communities where everyone knew each other, and caring for others was essential for survival. Anthropologists suggest that humans are wired to care for around 150 people — this is often referred to as “Dunbar’s Number.” Beyond this, it becomes difficult to maintain deep, meaningful connections. I don’t know about you, but 150 seems like a lot!
With globalisation and social media, we’re now exposed to thousands of people and issues from around the world. This can lead to “compassion fatigue,” where the sheer number of problems we’re aware of overwhelms us, making it hard to care deeply about any one thing — even the people closest to us. There’s also “psychic numbing,” where people feel they can’t make a difference on a large scale, so they disengage emotionally. This might explain why some focus more on global issues than on themselves or their immediate environment.
While our capacity to care hasn’t faded, it’s being stretched in ways our grandparents never experienced. If we’re not careful, this can lead to a sense of disconnection from ourselves, friendships, and relationships as we deal with the so-called overwhelming demands of modern life.
The cost of not living is evident in the humps forming on people’s necks as they hang their bowling-ball-heavy heads to stare at their screens like zombies, walking mindlessly through their day, almost face-first into poles. It’s binging Netflix every night because you’re “bored” or need to “unwind”, and thinking reality TV is actually real and uncensored!
It’s getting drunk just because “it’s the weekend” and choosing packet food because “it’s cheaper,” only to end up spending more time at the doctor’s because your body is paying the price. You’re sick, depressed, or anxious, and you apparently have no idea why. You’re out of touch with yourself! Your body talks to you, tells you when something is wrong, but if you’re constantly numbing yourself, you won’t hear the signs.
Anxiety lives in your mind. It keeps you worrying about the future, with most of those worries never eventuating! Depression keeps your mind stuck in the past, fixated on things you did or didn’t do, wishing you could change them. But we can’t change the past, so there’s no use dwelling on it. Forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.
The best way to get out of your mind? Be in your body. Feel the earth beneath your feet, the wind on your skin, the ocean on your body as you dive into the waves. Breathe in the fresh air of the forest or the spices in the markets. Taste the food you’re eating and enjoy every last bite. When you live like this, your mind won’t get a look in unless you want it to! Our minds can be pretty annoying if they’re untamed.
The cost of not living shows up in mindlessly multitasking a million things at once, none with any real effort. We only have 100% to give at any time. If you’re juggling five tasks, none of them are getting your best effort — at most, maybe each one is getting 20% of your attention. Your best will vary from moment to moment depending on your health, situation, and energy, but when we do our best, we avoid self-judgment, guilt, and regret. I don’t know about you, but those things have definitely driven me to want a drink (restarting the cycle of numb!)
Do you notice when you’re avoiding, numbing, or distracting yourself from your feelings and emotions? It took me years to realise. I was an emotional eater — feeling uncomfortably full took my mind off feeling uncomfortable in social situations or in my own body.
Your life, your body, your friends, and even your home are all an accumulation of the choices you’ve made to get here, right now. Not happy with something? Change your decisions. Not happy with your body? Work out. Don’t have time to work out but spend four hours a day scrolling? Then working out isn’t a priority. What are your priorities? Do they make you the happiest, healthiest version of yourself? Do you even want to be that version? We don’t get in life what we want — we get in life what we tolerate. Do you need to raise your level of tolerance?
The point is, we all have choices, and none of us are getting out of here alive. So why not learn to dive, take up painting, or explore something that truly interests you? Use your spare time to focus on personal growth. The ripple effect of kindness and compassion is powerful!
So, What’s the Cost of Not Living?
It’s not just the missed sunsets, the skipped workouts, or the half-hearted conversations. It’s the lost opportunities to truly connect — with yourself, with others, and with the world around you. It’s the slow erosion of your well-being and the gradual fading of your spark. But it’s never too late: you can start living right now!
They say you don’t stop playing because you get old — you get old because you stop playing. The choice is yours. You can spend your time and money on distractions and material possessions you don’t really need, or you can spend it making memories and living your best life. After all, the only thing worse than the cost of living is the cost of not living. So why not choose life, in all its beautiful messiness?
