Why We Tell People to ‘Breathe’ When They’re Losing Their SH*T
How many times have you told someone to stop and breathe? AKA: calm down, chill out, take a break...
Do you know why people do this?
Let me share a story about a little boy named Harry
Harry sees an Occupational Therapist and other professionals for his behaviour, anger management, ADHD, and Autism. He is quick to react but very bright and knows it is something he is working on. He’s also very quick to tell you he has anger management issues. Harry is 9.
I’m not a huge fan of labels. I think a diagnosis is great when it enables people to find strategies to learn, grow, and live the life they want. I am not a fan when they are used as an excuse for bad behaviour (but I’ll leave that for another post!).
Harry was on the edge of losing his temper at school. I pulled him aside to have a chat. When someone is heightened, it’s rarely a good time to ‘have a chat’ and his first reaction was a sharp and snappy, “I’ve got anger management issues.”
This was our conversation that followed:
Me: “That’s okay, I have a special trick though that can help you calm down.”
Harry: (staring at me through almost-about-to-lose-his-temper eyes)
Me: “Did you know we can trick our body into calming down? We can be the boss of our body and not let it be the boss of us.”
Harry: (looking at me with curiosity seeping into his eyes)
Me: “It’s a bit of a superpower, want me to tell you about it?”
Harry: “OK.”
Me: “Inside our body, we have all these nerves, and they can make us feel stressed, angry, and frustrated, but they can also make us feel calm and peaceful. There’s a magic switch that not everyone knows about and it really helps when we are starting to feel like we are about to lose it.”
Harry: (now on board with this conversation) “So where’s the magic switch?”
Me: “Well, it’s in our breathing. Can you put one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart?”
Harry: (following instructions)
Me: “It’s really important that when we breathe, we take the air in through our nose and the hand on our belly rises first. Can you take some deep breaths for me?”
Harry: (chest breathing — opens up an age-appropriate, side conversation on how that will keep us in our fight/flight system)
We go through how to breathe properly, and when the hand on his belly starts rising first, I tell him the magic superpower.
Me: “OK, so now I want you to count. I want you to breathe in for two. One, two. And breathe out for four. One, two, three, four.”
We practice this for a few rounds and while he’s doing it, I let him know that he’s just tricked his body into being calm. He’s just reminded his body that he is the boss of himself. His body is not the boss.
Harry: “I can even count inside my head. No one needs to know that I’m counting and using my superpower.”
Me: “I know! How cool is that?!”
It’s really important that we learn to be the boss of ourselves, and this moment with Harry was a beautiful way to show just how simple it can really be.
What physically happened in Harry's body during these breaths?
Well, we have this pretty important system in our body called the nervous system. It’s the body’s communication network, sending signals between different parts of the body.
The Central Nervous System runs along the spinal cord, which is a long, thin bundle of nerves extending from the brain down the spine. It’s the highway for signals between our brain and the rest of our body. The brain is the control centre. It’s responsible for interpreting sensory information, regulating bodily functions, and enabling thought, memory, and emotions. Which is why we really should wear a helmet when riding our bikes on the roads — you never know when you might fall off and need to protect your noggin!
The Peripheral Nervous System is the part of the nervous system outside of the brain and spinal cord. It works automatically, regulating involuntary functions like heart rate, digestion, and breathing. Thank goodness we don’t need to think about every breath we take — let’s leave that to whales and dolphins!
Within this system, there’s the Sympathetic Nervous System. This kicks in when we’re worried, stressed, in danger, or scared by preparing the body for fight or flight. It accelerates heart rate, dilates pupils, slows down the large intestine, and constricts blood vessels. This raises blood pressure and redirects blood to larger muscle groups (so we can fight or run from the apparent danger).
What’s the problem with this?
The majority of us rarely need to run away or fight anymore, and these responses can kick in during small moments of worry. What this means is that worrying literally physically changes our health for the worse!
I read somewhere that 85% of what people worry about never happens. Of the remaining 15%, 79% of the time people handle the issues better than expected and often learn something from them. This means that 97% of worries are either not worth worrying about or are manageable (and good for us in some way!). Only 3% of worries pose real problems. In other words, people spend a lot of energy worrying about things that never happen!
Obviously, we all have varying levels of stress; however, the day I learned to live in the present moment, a lot of it magically disappeared. Anxiety is fear of the future, so by living in the present moment, we realise that now is the only time that ever really exists!‘Stress’ is a common word used these days; it is also known as a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come from any event or thought that makes us feel strong or uncomfortable. Internally, it’s the body’s reaction to a challenge or demand. We often feel stress when we need to prepare for, guard against, or adapt to something. Sounds like this ‘life’ thing we’re all living...
Not all stress is bad! Manageable, short bursts of stress can actually be beneficial. It can motivate us, boost memory, increase alertness, and improve performance. We just need to create moments daily to practice, do things that scare us, make changes to things in our lives that no longer serve us, join a club, and learn a new skill. GET OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONES.
Not all fear is a bad thing either, it keeps us safe when we walk to the edge of a cliff. Uncontrollable fear, however, can stop us from moving forward. The good thing is, we get to choose our relationship with fear.
Each time a person steps out of their comfort zone, they get a little less fearful. They start to trust themselves a little bit more. They see themselves succeed where they once thought they’d fail. They do things they didn’t believe they could.
Believe it or not, I was terrified of being on the ocean when they can’t touch the bottom. But now I spend so much time on, in, or under the ocean, surfing and diving, and I can’t even imagine a life without it!
Over time, challenges start to feel a bit more doable, and we stop giving them much thought or energy, freeing up these thoughts and energy for more important moments!
Stepping out of your comfort zone isn’t just about facing fears; it’s about discovering a whole new side of life, one filled with excitement, growth, and unexpected joy! It’s in these moments that magic happens. Where we find ourselves riding a wave, forgetting that we didn’t used to be able to do that! We reach the peak of the mountain without a single thought of the lead-up days, where we struggled to even put our shoes on and get out the door.
Depending on the coping strategies developed throughout life, stress can manifest in many ways. Some people are overwhelmed with emotions and seem to have no control over them. They may lose interest in daily activities they normally enjoy, get more headaches, stomach pains, and jitters, feel tired, unmotivated, helpless, or hopeless, or even avoid family and friends.
Some people (me) shut down and need space and time to process what’s happening. We need nature, exercise, and quiet time. But in the moment of the trigger, there is a secret tool that will help us respond to a situation rather than react — a tool that shouldn’t be a secret. We all have it and can use it anytime to control our actions and reactions when things get tough: our breath.
Here’s where the Parasympathetic Nervous System comes in.
While the sympathetic nervous system gears us up for action, the parasympathetic nervous system helps us unwind and restore balance. It’s like a built-in relaxation system. When it’s switched on, it slows down the heart rate, stimulates digestion, lowers blood pressure (reducing the strain on the heart), conserves energy, and even boosts the immune system to facilitate healing. Sounds like a dream, right? It plays a crucial role in maintaining homeostasis, the body’s state of balance. In our fast-paced world, it’s easy for the sympathetic nervous system to dominate, leading to chronic stress (which turns into health issues). This is why it’s essential to engage the parasympathetic nervous system regularly.
The good news is that we can consciously activate our parasympathetic nervous system! Here are some ways to do it:
Slow Deep Belly Breathing
Try exhaling for longer than you inhale (it’ll literally trick your nervous system into rest and relax mode)
In for 2, out for 4
In for 4, out for 8
Meditation
It’s not about getting rid of the thoughts, just witnessing them come and go without getting caught up in them
If silence is too hard, try a guided meditation (Insight Timer is a good option)
Mindfulness
Be in the moment
Leave your phone at home and go for a walk
Find 5 things (at any moment during the day) that you can see, hear, touch, or smell
Turn off your headphones and listen to life
Connect face-to-face with friends, or even strangers (all friends were once strangers!)
Take some photos, find beauty in your surroundings
Physical Activity
Gentle exercises like yoga or walking in nature
A Good Night’s Sleep
Balanced Nutrition
Eat a balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables, and water (happy gut, happy mind!)
So, what’s the point?
The point is, your breath can set you free. It can give you a much-needed moment before making a decision you’ll probably regret later. It can be the pause you need before you lash out or throw a tantrum, because when does that ever end well?
